Funniest quotes and one liners.

[Ritho]

Post some of the funniest quotes, jokes, or one liners you run across each day in this thread.

Because laughter is like a medicine, and we need all the help we can get around here.

[Ritho]

Here are some of my favorites from Jerry Seinfeld.

If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they're going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it around in a little bag for him, who would you assume is in charge.

I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time?

See, the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don't know they're ugly because nobody actually tells them.

Ritho

[Ritho]

Originally Posted by kendall

I don't see (can't find) the link.

When I said post them here, I meant here as in right here in this thread. I changed my post to reflect this, and now your comment makes no sense.

[miskairal]

I love that first one. That is a classic!!

This one is not so much funny as soooooooo what I agree with...

"All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy" - Spike Milligan (1918-2002)

[1002richards]

I like these Homer Simpson quotes:

# Operator! Give me the number for 911!

# Oh, so they have internet on computers now!

# Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

# Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.

# I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.

# Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.

# Well, it's 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.

# Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene.'

# Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.

# Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

# You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

# Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

[Jojoyee]

"If Bill Gates drops a thousand dollar, he won’t even bother to pick it up because the 4 seconds he picks it, he would’ve already earned it back."

BUT,

"If Microsoft Windows’ users can claim US$1 for every time their computers hang because of Microsoft Windows, Bill Gates will be bankrupt in 3 days!"

See 9 Amazing Facts About Bill Gates.

[moserw]

I found this to be funny and true...

Never argue with an i***t, they drag you down to their level and beat you with experience

[deya]

The man who smiles when things go wrong has already thought of someone to blame it on
- Robert Bloch.

[Ritho]

I found a simple little freeware utility today that someone posted on their own private blog. I decided to read the user comments and this was the first one. I had to laugh!:

Do you work as a programmer FOR FREE ?
Why undermine the market with a free peace of software ?
Think about it and remove it from public ! (misspelling of "piece": his)

http://themech.net/eyesrelax/


Man how the guy must hate us here! We need to stop right away. We are helping to destroy the markets of the world!

[abhishek]

Thanks Ritho for starting this thread. I have a hobbish habit of collecting (funny and/or sarcastic) quotes. Pasting some of them here. Please note that none of these quotes are of my own creation.

"Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."





"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody."




"That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you."




"If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion."

"Literature is an occupation in which you have to keep proving your talent to people who have none."

"We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?"

"The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible."

"An executive is a person who always decides; sometimes he decides correctly, but he always decides."

"Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself, but talent instantly recognizes genius."

"The will to be stupid is a very powerful force, but there are always alternatives."

"He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever."

"Men who are unhappy, like men who sleep badly, are always proud of the fact."








"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."












"A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home."

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It is the funniest joke in the world.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

The advantage of love at first sight is that it delays a second sight.

Standards are like sex; one mistake, and you’re stuck supporting it forever!

The worst thing you can do to anybody trying to be creative is to demand participation in their vision.

"Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity."

"I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it."

"To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk."

"Art is making something out of nothing and selling it."

"One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important."

"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort."

"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man."

"A fellow who is always declaring he's no fool usually has his suspicions."

"Advertising is the modern substitute for argument; its function is to make the worse appear the better."

"Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for the greatest fool may ask more than the wisest man can answer."

"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."

"Everyone is born with genius, but most people only keep it a few minutes."

"When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half."

"I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult."

"Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so."

"The great enemy of clear language is insincerity. When there is a gap between one's real and one's declared aims, one turns as it were instinctively to long words and exhausted idioms, like a cuttlefish spurting out ink."

"I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming."

"There are grammatical errors even in his silence."

"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true."

"The good psychic would pick up the phone before it rang. Of course it is possible there was noone on the other line. Once she said "God Bless you" I said, "I didn't sneeze" She looked deep into my eyes and said, "You will, eventually." And damn it if she wasn't right. Two days later I sneezed."

"If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside."

Its God's responsibility to forgive the terrorist organizations It's our responsibility to arrange the meeting between them and god."

"If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable must Man be of learning from experience."

"If everything seems under control, you're not going fast enough"

"But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown."

"Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting."

"Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs."

"Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself."

"Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more."

"There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don't."

"Committee--a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done."

"If you cannot convince them, confuse them."

"About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends."

"Some have been thought brave because they were afraid to run away."

"Talent hits a target no one else can hit; Genius hits a target no one else can see."

"Walking isn't a lost art: one must, by some means, get to the garage."

"A coupla months in the laboratory can save a coupla hours in the library."

"The conventional view serves to protect us from the painful job of thinking."

"A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of."

"Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away."

"When Solomon said there was a time and a place for everything he had not encountered the problem of parking his automobile."

"People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use."

"We are here on Earth to do good to others. What the others are here for, I don't know."

"Household tasks are easier and quicker when they are done by somebody else."

"People who reach the top of the tree are only those who haven't got the qualifications to detain them at the bottom."

"Never knock on Death's door: ring the bell and run away! Death really hates that!"

"Some of the worst mistakes of my life have been haircuts."

"We forfeit three-fourths of ourselves in order to be like other people."

"After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say "I want to see the manager.""

"I am a deeply superficial person."

"Finance is the art of passing money from hand to hand until it finally disappears."

"The best way to predict the future is to invent it."

"It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man."

"The future is here. It's just not widely distributed yet."

"Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant."

"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper."

"Television enables you to be entertained in your home by people you wouldn't have in your home."

"No man is exempt from saying silly things; the mischief is to say them deliberately."

"Now I know what a statesman is; he's a dead politician. We need more statesmen."

"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?"

"Every man serves a useful purpose: A miser, for example, makes a wonderful ancestor."

"Discovery consists of seeing what everybody has seen and thinking what nobody has thought."

"Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer."

"Men, it has been well said, think in herds; it will be seen that they go mad in herds, while they only recover their senses slowly, and one by one."

"Cockroaches and socialites are the only things that can stay up all night and eat anything."

"My theory is that if you look confident you can pull off anything - even if you have no clue what you're doing."

"The only thing worse than a man you can't control is a man you can."

"When dealing with the insane, the best method is to pretend to be sane."

"It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have been searching for evidence which could support this."

"Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river."

"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."

"Never believe anything until it has been officially denied."

"Public speaking is the art of diluting a two-minute idea with a two-hour vocabulary."

"Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead."

"An economist is a man who states the obvious in terms of the incomprehensible."

"I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not."

"Science may set limits to knowledge, but should not set limits to imagination."

"The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them."

"Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish."

"Until you've lost your reputation, you never realize what a burden it was."

"The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good."

"And remember, no matter where you go, there you are."

"The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against wacking them around a little."

"Anyone who uses the phrase 'easy as taking candy from a baby' has never tried taking candy from a baby."

"If time flies when you're having fun, it hits the afterburners when you don't think you're having enough."

"Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward."

"Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves."

"When I'm working on a problem, I never think about beauty. I think only how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong."

"Education... has produced a vast population able to read but unable to distinguish what is worth reading."

"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't."

"You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic."